Mary

To be honest, I’d been spiritually dry for awhile now since some personal failures on my part. These personal failures really started eating away at me, especially my spirituality, my relationship with God. I had gotten more consumed with my emotions and feelings until it eventually drowned out my logic, my voice of reason. Only a few months ago, I was at my highest spiritually. I fed myself everyday with scripture and prayed daily. I made it a point to attend daily mass. I kept a log to track whether or not I was adhering to the Catholic virtues. But since falling, I got more distant from my daily routine – prayer, scripture, the works. It wasn’t intentional, but in retrospect, in the midst of my affliction and the consequences from my fall, my turbulent emotions took away my focus from God. It’s been said: put God in the center and everything falls into place. And that was my life only a few months ago, hence feeling a deep-rooted peace I’d never experienced before. But after my fall, instead of striving to repair my relationship with God, I subconsciously decided to try and weather this storm on my own. I say subconsciously because I know God is always there, awaiting my return, but I didn’t actively run to Him. It was easier to dwell on my mistakes, which led to more self-doubt. And when I am doubting myself, I feel unworthy. How, then, could I deserve to be loved by God? Perhaps it was that question swimming at the back of my mind that contributed to my dwindling prayer life. To this day, I’m fighting an internal battle of trying to rise above my inextricably impassioned yet dangerous emotions that threatens to destroy everything that gives my life meaning. I’ve been angry, sad, empty, regretful, snappy; some days are better than others. 

Today however, I came across something that quieted all the noise in my heart and mind, that descended a sense of peace inside of me that I hadn’t felt in months: an image of Mother Mary from a particular source. I see her daily and everywhere – I have a figurine of her in my room after all – but in that moment today, seeing her from this source was exactly what I needed. I can’t explain it but seeing that was as if I’d been wandering aimlessly in the desert for so long with no water, and finally finding some to quench my thirst; as if I’d been lost at sea and finally seeing a mark that indicates I am going the right direction, that indicates hope; seeing her in that moment from that place was divine intervention; it was her saying: “Monica, it’s going to be ok. Be at peace.” And immediately, I felt peace. I don’t think this battle is over yet; I still have much healing to do (and maybe more crying), but it’s as if I’ve been refueled to keep going when I felt like I couldn’t go anymore, when I felt like I wanted to quit. And this was exactly what I needed to reignite my spiritual life, to get it back to where it was; to put God in the center again. Today, it was easier to accept that every now and then, I will fall; wander away; but that’s not what defines us is it? It’s getting back up again, trying again despite the pain, despite the hurdles, despite the fall. That is what being human is about after all isn’t it? I think this eloquently reflects my sentiments:


So starting today, I start again. Wasn’t my theme for this year “begin again?” So that is what I shall do. Thank you God for today, for strengthening me at my weakest. Mama Mary, pray for me! 


Osaka, Japan

PS:

This Beatles song totally reflects this supernatural experience today:

“Let It Be”

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Oh, there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

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