Alive? Thinking Out Loud

Is that what all this is about? Feeling alive? Is that what I’m really after? Because as illogical and wrong and crazy and stupid all that was – the turbulence of whatever it was I had with oso – and despite the energy-draining consequences I am currently feeling, I felt…alive. So is it wrong, then, to chase that feeling? That thrill? Is this – what I’m currently going through – the tears, the exhaustion, the emptiness, the unbearable longing – the price one pays to feel alive? At the end of my life, is that what’s really going to count? A collection of moments where I was “alive”? And is living, then, associated with thrill-inducing moments? Something tells me that even writing this is just my way to cope because according to my faith, to God, Jesus Christ, if feeling alive means selling your soul to collect earthly pleasures, then what value does that have when this life becomes nothing more than a dream? When you leave this earth, would you rather have a rich collection of such moments or the knowledge that you lived life the best you could – with honor, humility, sacrifice, love – adhering to the values you believed in? 

Osaka, Japan


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