No matter how much joy someone or something gives you in the moment, it will never truly satisfy your deepest longings, especially when you attach yourself to those people or things. If anything, the attachment only leaves you more susceptible to sin, and when you succumb to sin – perhaps a velvety pleasure and a high in that moment as it is often said that sin feels good – it only deepens your longing; it only widens your yearning; it only prolongs your imprisonment this world inflicts. Succumbing to sinful pleasures may fill you to the brim now with ecstasy and that addicting high you get when you “feel” alive, but it only leads to further brokenness. In this state, your emptiness will seem endless, your heartache, bottomless.
That’s what happens when I get too consumed with the world – I always find myself in these bottomless pits stitched with hollow promises and misplaced hopes. In these moments, I remember the immortal words of St. Augustine: “Our hearts are restless until it finds rest in you.” Indeed, I recall just a few months ago when I truly felt that peace, which I believe was a result of my laser focus on Him. Everything I did, said, and thought was to consciously and fervently glorify Him. I didn’t truly realize it then, but it was the most peaceful l’d ever felt in my life. I hoped, but never expected. I looked forward, but never waited. I want this back.
Lord, I know that as humans, we have the aspirations of angels and instincts of beasts (a la Sir Arthur Doyle)…we naturally gravitate towards sin (hence original sin), but I long for a genuine longing for you, Lord, and only you. I long to have that peace I once had, a beautiful consequence from surrendering it all to you despite its conflicts with such worldly pleasures. I know that I try my best to live life accordingly, but sometimes it’s just so hard. So here I am Lord, in all my brokenness, hopelessness, imperfections; in my illogical yearnings and mysterious complexities. Sometimes, I feel inclined to give up following you because I’m not even worthy, but because I, with all my heart and soul, believe you are the risen Christ, the way, the truth, and the life, that you died for me – for us – I find the strength to keep fighting even when I am down. I want you and the peace you do lovingly bring more than earthly thrills. I don’t act like I do, but Lord, help me cultivate my inner strength with discipline so my actions naturally reflect my desire for you. Grant me the grace Lord to keep going even when my sins demand I should stop. I asked this before, but here it is again: how do I fight for your kingdom when I can’t even fight myself? But for what it’s worth Lord, I shall fight for your kingdom even in the process of fighting the parts of myself that inhibit glorifying you. Perhaps it is in this effort that I do, in fact, glorify you, that manifests this: that your power really is made perfect in weakness. And through this is, truly, the road back to peace.