As you know, I have returned to California – sadly to say, more broken than ever. Certainly, my time in Japan has been a gift in itself; as I’ve said many times already, a dream-come-true, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for enabling me to attain such a dream! But like that old proverb I learned while in Japan, sometimes happiness can lead to great unhappiness, which I shall explain further in a future post. For now, I’d like to officialize a new start to my blogging. Starting now, each post shall be in the form of a letter that will always address you, Heavenly Father. As you also know, I haven’t been in the greatest shape spiritually, and it is my hope that I attain the level of spirituality and commitment I once possessed. I hope to document that journey back here on this blog. Recently actually, I read an old journal entry from around this time last year, and I honestly asked myself who that author was because I didn’t recognize her. It was bittersweet really: I was sad because this entry proved how much I’ve regressed in my faith, but am happy to know that that level of unwavering peace is attainable. My goal is basically to get back to where I was early last year and continue to grow from there. Here is that journal entry:
April 11, 2016
Today I realized how actually happy I am to be a daisy nestling at the Lord’s feet (a la St. Terese). I may not be called to be among the greatest saints but like the disciple who led Paul to the Lord, I shall do my part with joy, acceptance and humility. I am happy to be as he wills – small, unnoticed, but glorifying Him the best I can. Being my best self. Yes Lord, here I am – do what you will with me for your comfort is beyond words, your wisdom – beyond understanding. Despite this borken instrument, may you use it to make you and your son Jesus better known. All that I have and am belongs to you.
How does one get to this stage where everything – the pleasures of earthly life – is submitted to God? Where every earthly thing has lost its appeal?
Sometimes for many, faith does not come naturally. It is a mystery, much like the Paschal Mystery. It must be worked for. It is through discipline and sincere effort that one comes to know faith.
Before, I lied often, was unjust though I spoke of justice; I drank to conceal internal wounds, and unconsciously gossiped. My sins were as numerous as the stars, yet my pride concealed them from me. In this darkness, I could not forgive and failed to see all people as God’s children. I was overcome with lust and burned with envy – a prison of the self as it controlled me. It was difficult not to bend to its will. But since seeking and finding true faith, I have been set free. Though darkness surrounds me, I have walked into the light! Truly, it is an amazing grace for it saved a wretch like me!
As said in book The Little Prince: it is hardest to judge ourselves – easy to judge others, but difficult to shine the light on us. But in practicing this more, we come to see how truly dirty we are and actually have much to work on in cleaning ourselves up. And since focusing on cleaning myself up, I’ve found no self merit in the right to judge others. Therefore, I shall leave their judgment up to God. Everything done now shall be in the name of Christ.
Seriously after reading that I was like, “that was me?!” I strive to get back to that. Here’s to that. May my endeavor to write to you in a raw and candid way everyday – about my joys, my sorrows, and everything in between – via this medium help.
Dona nobis pacem.