This is the irony: sitting in a cubicle disenchanted, desperately daydreaming about and longing for more time to focus on what you really want to do, then finally getting that time only to squander it to long unemployment naps and/or television with a tub of ice cream in one hand, and birthday cake oreo cookies in another.
With that being said, it’s been nearly two months now since returning, and I now realize that I’ve squandered some serious time to things that don’t get me closer to my goals (like oversleeping and overeating; speaking of which, my Japanese jeans don’t fit me anymore!!). BUT I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. To be fair, I was pretty depressed most of last month. I didn’t want to get up in the morning. Simple tasks like washing dishes didn’t seem so simple. I’ve been depresssed before but not that kind…it felt different. After talking to an old co-worker who also worked abroad and recently returned to the states, he said he, too, felt the way I did. That was affirming. I guess post-abroad-depression is a thing – or perhaps it’s simply called the adjustment period that entails a certain level of depression. But for what it’s worth, I did get a lot of rest – the kind of rest I needed especially after catching shingles. Apparently it’s mostly common among older people (60 years of age or older) so the doctor was like “and you’re only 30?!” A clear sign that I really have been undergoing a lot of stress. So I suppose chalking up getting-too-much-sleep thing alleviated some of my guilt.
I also realized this: that having more time (or not having work and having days on end to yourself) doesn’t necessarily mean higher productivity for me…if anything, my level of productivity is the same, if not less. But that’s just me. As much as I dislike structure and routine, some things must be in place to ground me and give me a sense of direction that anchors all other goals, and that for me is a job (not just any job of course, I have to like it and believe in its mission). So, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can’t wait to be part of the workforce again soon! But until then, I shall be here brushing up on my Japanese and studying Spanish.
Dona nobis pacem,